I knew two issues from a really early age: I appreciated making individuals snicker, and I used to be destined to go to house.
My goals of a moon stroll had been cruelly dashed when, at 10, I had a panic assault on a 40-minute flight to Inverness. Additionally I wasn’t 10, I used to be 26. Making individuals snicker was far more inside attain – however at occasions, it felt just like the despair that may periodically overwhelm me stood at odds with it.
I’ve discovered that despair is in some ways like house meals (which I demanded for Christmas within the late 90s, “to arrange me”) – it’s disagreeable, has no clear expiry date, and folks prefer to outline you by your affiliation with it.
Once I was popping out of a very unhealthy patch in my early 20s, I discovered myself in a bizarre, limbo state. On the entire, individuals had been very sort and understanding, however there was additionally an odd expectation that I might be unhappy on a regular basis.
And certain, there have been many days once I spent six hours staring wistfully on the antidepressant prescription I had taped to my wall like some surreal indie band poster. However some days I needed to exit! And see my associates! And attend fancy costume events in a self-sewn Hubble telescope costume! As a result of individuals with despair can nonetheless be extremely iconic fashionistas. We’re simply making an attempt to do the issues that “regular” individuals do – like catching buses, happening dates and making badges with our skilled badge-makers (simply me?)
Typically sustaining the expectation of what a depressed individual ought to be like, or how they need to behave, grew to become my newest performing train. When individuals requested how I used to be, I might search for meekly, eyes filled with tears and say, “It’s been exhausting”. Don’t get me unsuitable, it had been exhausting, however having to repeatedly play out the hardness was nearly extra exhausting than the precise despair.
After which in some unspecified time in the future I realised I may simply … not. I realised that Unhappy Rhiannon nonetheless made jokes, and Humorous Rhiannon generally cried. This may blow your thoughts, nevertheless it appeared that they had been the identical Rhiannon. And issues grew to become simpler once I realised that the 2 might be associates.
As a result of there are issues that you simply do whenever you’re unhappy that basically demand to be laughed at. Just like the time I used to be crying outdoors a celebration. I noticed a man I fancied, didn’t need him to see me in that state, and so took the one sane plan of action and lay in a ditch. Yep. You learn that accurately. A ditch. Clearly he noticed me. As a result of – and I can’t stress this sufficient – I used to be a totally grown lady mendacity in a really shallow ditch. Nevertheless it’s high-quality, as a result of I completely lined it by getting out and saying to him, “We had been simply seeing who may discover one of the best ditch to cover in … and I’m the winner.” Do I remorse this? After all! Is it hilarious? Completely! Humorous Rhiannon and Unhappy Rhiannon in full, ridiculous drive.
My play Supernova is what occurred once I determined to unite the 2 Rhiannons, capturing life’s humour in addition to its weight. Supernova is a present with a high-functioning depressive because the protagonist, who permits us to snicker in even the darkest moments. It explores the influence despair can have on family members, and the difficulties of sustaining relationships. However, above all, it’s about connection (to your self and the universe), the potential for restoration and the potential of making peace with the scariest corners of ourselves.
If you write one thing, it feels such as you’re taking a little bit of your mind out and letting different individuals look and decide – and hoping they gained’t simply be confused and mildly disgusted and ask you to pop it again into your cranium, please.
However up to now, the conversations within the bar afterwards have been electrical. Do you’ve got a favorite planet? Does John Damage actually matter as a Physician? When was your final full-blown psychological breakdown? The comedy seems to be a gateway drug into speaking in regards to the more durable stuff. And everybody’s huffing it up (having by no means taken medication, I’m uncertain on the terminology, so I’m primarily drawing on one PSHE lesson the place we watched a video on sniffing glue).
Don’t get me unsuitable, if you find yourself within the throes of a really critical psychological well being episode it isn’t enjoyable. It is extremely not enjoyable. However lately I consider my despair like a buddy’s boyfriend at a home get together who begins strumming on a guitar. I’ll be civil, I’ll endure a verse or two of Wonderwall, although I hate it and I hate them, however as soon as they’re gone, I’m gonna be taking the piss.
How is my psychological well being doing now? It’s a bit like that outdated packet of house meals (in some way nonetheless not expired) – although I’ll in all probability have it for all times, I’m studying to dwell with it and making an attempt to not be ashamed of it.
And certain, I by no means made it to house. However I reckon it’s fairly lonely up there anyway. Down right here there are badges, and folks to put on them, and the meals is way a lot better.
